


Existing

by kiyala



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Existentialism, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-18 23:52:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1447576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiyala/pseuds/kiyala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone dies someday and Bahorel's cool with that. Jehan's still figuring out how to be cool with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Existing

**Author's Note:**

> Summary taken from a brilliant prompt I received on tumblr from [lecapunk](http://lecapunk.tumblr.com/)

The earth orbits the sun at a speed of just over a hundred thousand kilometres an hour, a large rock bursting with life hurtling through space with nothing but the gravitational pull of a giant inferno keeping it on course, keeping everything alive.

In the past hour, Jehan has moved a hundred thousand kilometres through space and hasn't moved at all, lying in bed as the morning slowly turns into noon, half-dozing with Bahorel beside him. He's still feeling loose-limbed and fucked out from earlier that morning, happy to lie there but also itching to get up and _do something_ because he's awake enough to feel time slipping away from him.

Bahorel stirs, waking up properly and reaching for Jehan's hand, linking their fingers together. "I can feel you getting restless. I can practically hear you thinking from here."

"Sorry," Jehan murmurs, rolling onto his side.

Bahorel snorts quietly, propping his pillow up against the headboard and sitting against it, reaching over to the bedside table. He picks up his pack of cigarettes and lighter and Jehan watches as Bahorel holds a cigarette between his lips, lighting it and taking a drag. He exhales slowly and turns his attention to Jehan, running his fingers through Jehan's long hair. "You know you don't have to apologise. What's on your mind?"

"Life," Jehan answers, lifting his head and capturing Bahorel's wrist with his fingers, kissing the centre of his palm. "Death. The usual."

Bahorel hums in reply, taking another drag of his cigarette and tapping it against the edge of the ash tray on his bedside table. 

Ashes to ashes, Jehan thinks. They're all nothing more than cosmic dust, cosmic ash. Temporarily given humans form and human problems, until they're ash again.

"Give me some," Jehan says, sitting up and climbing onto Bahorel's lap, leaning over him. He wants to be smoke, to be ash, to feel what he will become while also becoming alive. 

"Come here," Bahorel murmurs, inhaling deeply as he pulls Jehan against him.

Their lips part against each other and Bahorel exhales. He pulls back watching, and blinks. "I should have lit up something stronger."

Jehan exhales with a smile. "This is good. I like when I can see evidence that I'm breathing."

He likes cold air on winter night for the same reason, and the rise and fall of Bahorel's chest when they lie in bed together.

"You're breathing," Bahorel assures him. He leans over to press his lips against Jehan's. "I can feel it." 

Jehan smiles, taking the cigarette out of Bahorel's fingers and raising it to his lips, taking another drag. He tilts his head up, blowing out the smoke above them. Bahorel kisses down Jehan's neck, hands settling on his hips to pull him even closer. 

"Do you ever think about how you're going to die," Jehan murmurs, hand settling on the back of Bahorel's head, "and just feel—terrified?" 

"No," Bahorel replies, opening his mouth to suck a mark onto Jehan's skin. "I like the thought that one day, we're all going to die and that nothing matters except for the time that we have right now." 

"It's paralysing," Jehan says. "The thought that one day, everything is just going to _stop_ , that everything's going to disappear. What is even the _point_ of existing? Life can't just be one chaotic accident. Humanity can't be a meaningless smudge on an infinite timeline. _Is_ time infinite?"

"Feels that way, when you think about your own mortality," Bahorel replies. "Time is a goliath and humanity is, I don't know, an ant that David stepped on by accident. Beyond our ability to measure, except for in relation to ourselves. Maybe it has an end, but ours will come long before it does. How long? We won't be there to measure it. Doesn't matter."

Jehan shudders. He's not sure if it's because of Bahorel's words, or the way he lightly runs his hands down Jehan's back, nails a light pressure against his skin. 

"Nothing matters," Bahorel tells him. "And because of that, _everything_ matters. We only have a limited amount of time here. Why do you do the things you do?"

"Why do _you_?" 

Bahorel pulls back to grin at Jehan. "Because I want to. Because I like it. Because it feels good." 

"Mm." Jehan spreads his knees a little wider so he can straddle Bahorel properly. Bahorel is stroking him slowly and Jehan kisses him hard. "Are we going again?" 

"If you want," Bahorel replies, because it's clear enough that _he_ does. 

"Yeah," Jehan smiles, putting the cigarette out in their ash tray. He pulls their blanket out of the way and wraps his fingers around Bahorel's cock, stroking it a couple of times before reaching over for their bottle of lube. "I want to."

He gets Bahorel's cock slick but doesn't bother to prepare himself. He's still stretched from before and he sinks down onto Bahorel little by little. Bahorel kisses along his jaw but keeps his hips still, letting Jehan rock back and forth slowly. They've both orgasmed soon enough ago that they're in no rush. Jehan just likes the way Bahorel feels inside him, likes the feeling of them being as close to each other as possible. 

"Still paralysed?" Bahorel asks, rubbing his thumb in small circles over Jehan's hips.

"Living in the moment," Jehan replies with a smile. "For now. This is a good moment." 

"Yeah it is," Bahorel agrees. "And, you know, it'll end. Like everything else. But that's okay."

"Is it?"

Bahorel rolls his hips, making Jehan gasp loudly. "The important thing is that this moment exists, right now. Better than it not existing, right?"

"But what do you do when you run out of moments?" Jehan asks. "That terrifies me so much, Bahorel. How is that going to feel? Is everything just going to suddenly go _quiet_? Does it all fade over time?"

"Maybe you feel everything," Bahorel suggests. "Maybe you feel every single feeling in the entire universe, and then you just stop. That would be exhilarating." 

Jehan shudders. "Terrifying." 

"Both." Bahorel grins, holding onto Jehan's hips and thrusting up into him. "Life is beautiful, man. Death should be the same." 

Jehan wraps his arms around Bahorel tightly, unsure if the tightness in his chest and the quickness of his breath is pleasure or fear. It's strangely enjoyable all the same. 

"You're not afraid of _anything_ , are you?" Jehan asks, laughing softly.

"I try not to be." Bahorel wraps his fingers around Jehan's cock and stroking harder, faster. "I don't see the point, when you can be enjoying things instead." 

"I—really like the way you think," Jehan whispers, burying his face against Bahorel's neck. "I like the way you do a lot of things."

"I bet you do," Bahorel teases, but he sounds a little breathless now. 

They kiss each other, moaning into each other's mouths as they come and Jehan is dizzy with just how much he loves Bahorel. It's amazing that one person should have claim to so much of his heart, but of course it should be Bahorel, who balances him out, who laughs at what terrifies Jehan, who grounds him. 

They pull apart slowly, getting up to clean themselves off before getting back into bed. Jehan spreads himself out on the mattress with a sigh, smiling as it dips under Bahorel's weight when he lies down. Jehan slides a little closer to Bahorel, giving in to his gravitational pull. He knows that he's still learning how to be terrified of his own mortality, but for now, he knows that he can trust in Bahorel to keep him on course.


End file.
